I am thinking about two places that I could be this week, that I am not...I have had two invitations to go out of town for enjoyable experiences, which I am MORE than in need of at this point, yet here I am, staying home because I am on the schedule at a hospital that calls me 75 percent of the time and cancels me...
Sometimes I have to stop and wonder, if Reincarnation is true, what in the world did I do in my former lives? Must have been really negative things, either that or there has been some big mistake, and my life got accidentally switched with someone Else's and it's all a HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING...
If that's true, it needs to be cleared up NOW!
So, I could either be in Colorado in a large beautiful custom made cabin on top of the mountain, playing guitar and harmonizing with my oldest friend, playing the tunes we played in clubs in the 70s, just mellowing out and enjoying the mountain air, reminiscing, and chillin, staying in a room that actually had me in mind when it was being built, so you might say "custom made for Moi"
OR
I could be in Austin, where I just got a call a couple of hours ago from a wonderful friend, who wanted me to come up for the Independent Film Festival that is going on this week. She actually called me from the festival.. She had just met Timothy Hutton, and many others, ( she is the type of girl that men adore IMMEDIATELY..beautiful, smart, funny, charming, interesting...what's not to love?) She's probably already hanging out with the coolest people...writers, directors, there...I could be hanging out with her, which would put me hanging out with the cool people as well( see how that works? Not that I can't make friends with the cool people myself, it's just that, hey...if the work is already done by the time you get there, why not?)
BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I NEED TO STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR FRIGIN PHONE CALLS AT 5 AM IN THE MORNING THAT SAY THAT I AM CANCELLED, OR EVEN BETTER, POSSIBLY GO TO WORK, AND GET PUT ON THE GENERAL FLOORS RATHER THAN PEDIATRICS, SO THAT I CAN PULL ALL OF MY HAIR OUT AT FREQUENT POINTS THROUGHOUT THE DAY, TO THE POINT THAT WHEN I GET OFF OF WORK, I WILL HAVE TO STOP BY WALMART AND HOPE THAT THEY HAVE A SPECIAL ON WIGS, BECAUSE I WILL, AT THAT POINT, BE IN NEED OF ONE...
I will be seriously surprised if I have ANY friends down the line, as I am always having to say "no", and who wants to put up with that forever? If it's not the schedule thing, then it's the money thing...Everything cost money..Especially what and where my friends like to go..
I simply cannot spend any that I don't HAVE to spend right now..I am afraid that I might run out before I start getting some kind of steady work...
I DID go to a very lovely dinner party with a few old friends the other night..I dreaded going at first, because I really did not want to talk about my situation.It ended up, of course, being absolutely wonderful...Very special..
The crystal and silver shined, the wines were indeed flowing, the planked salmon was cooked to perfection on the grill, and the dining room itself with its loving antiques transformed me to another time...a time I would have glowed in...
The Turn of the Century...I'm reading a Biography at the present about the American Writer, Edith Wharton...Her story takes place around the Turn of the Century...If you had money like Edith did, it would be a very grand life indeed...
I love to escape into the world of literature...Nothing soothes me more...
Now if I could just get back on my piano..
I have NEVER ignored it this long in my entire life..
The longer it goes on, the more hesitant I am to get on it..
It will be an uphill battle, to come up to speed...
I lie to everyone when asked and tell them that I still play it all the time like I usually do, so as not to upset them...
TWO THINGS THAT I MUST GET BACK TO DOING THAT I USED TO DO PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY and now do not do at all since October
1. Use my Gym membership...Jeez, I could use that for help with taming the fires that erupt in me so frequently these days...Good for the bod, great for stress
2. I have been playing the piano since as far back as I remember being alive...I play by ear, and play well...That is a gift...This gift was ALWAYS something that
has soothed me throughout the years...Why I have abandoned it for 6 months defies
explanation...That has to stop...I must play while my fingers will still move....
This pathetic contract is up at the end of March, and it could not come too soon.
I COULD JUST BITE NAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know how they say that people get more mellow as they age?
WELL, I MUST NOT BE AGING!
On the "slightly" positive side, I DID nab a couple of PRN positions today... (once again no full-time jobs available)
One of them wants to use me for weekend NIGHTS (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! In 27 years I have NEVER worked 12 hour nights, and it will be a frigin miracle if I don't fall asleep, but the money was too good to pass up...)
The other hospital was FULL of all of the people that I knew at my last full time job where we were all laid off...It was definitely a "homecoming" of sorts, people were genuinely very excited to see me, heck I might as well as been a "Rock Star"..
"OH MY GOD!...ARE YOU COMING TO WORK HERE? WE NEED YOU! WE NEED SOME GOOD ENTERTAINMENT...TRAVEL ADVICE...RESTAURANT REVIEWS...WE TALK ABOUT YOU ALL OF THE TIME...YOU HAVE BEEN SO MISSED...OH MY GOD!!!"
Lovely that my extracurricular talents are appreciated, but I REALLY am there to do therapy...I DID find out that one of my quadriplegic patients that I have taken care of for many years was there in the hospital, and I did stop in to see him...
That was bittersweet...He looked worse than usual...He has lost almost all of his hearing now...Of course he never recognizes me when I first see him...
He was injured about 13 years ago, on the slopes in Colorado, his first time on skies...
He broke his neck...
In telling me the story a few years ago when he was "more together", he said that when he fell, he knew that he had broken his neck...He heard the "snap"...When his brother in law caught up with him on the mountain, he said "C'mon ya big weenie, get up!"...My patient said "I broke my neck"...for a few minutes nobody believed him...There was no blood...No outward to be seen injury...
Struck down at the prime of his life..around 30 years old...Fanatic baseball player...Husband...Father of two children...Wonderful and Brave....The injury left him a quadriplegic, with no short term memory at all, and less and less of a long term memory as time goes on...The antibiotics needed to keep him alive by battling his constant infections have now taken his hearing away..He still smiles when you greet him..not only with his mouth, but his eyes..
He is impossible not to love...impossible not to become too close too...
I lost that battle years ago..
His wife was there...Very kind...VERY strong...
This is the work that I had to leave when the hospital closed down last October...I had to leave all of these patients that I have had for 12 years...
I have missed them...
I have mourned....
For me, it has been far worse than "losing the job"...
It has been "losing my work" which has almost felt at times like too much to handle..
I know that people say that God never gives you more than you can handle, but in making reference to my earlier thought...MAYBE I ACCIDENTALLY GOT MIXED UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!
They really won't be able to use me much there though...not quite busy enough yet..
New hospital and all...
One of my good friends is one of the owners of the hospital, and he really wanted me to apply so I did..
More for him than for me...
I personally did not get full time there when it opened...
My two coworkers were hired full time...There were only two slots, and I was passed over...
It was VERY difficult for me to go today and apply for this "PRN" job, as I told myself that I would NEVER set foot in there
I never wanted to see my Medical Director again, because it hurt me so much that he did not choose me...
Funny how the longer you go without a job, the more kinds of things that you will do...
Never thought that I would accept a job working nights...
Never thought that I would apply for a job at the other place....
The word "NEVER" has proven NEVER to be safe to use...
Think that I will drop it from my vocabulary, as it is useless to me...
Tired now...Started out the day saving an adult and infant mannikin's life...
(CPR re certification!)
Yep...think the post that I was going to post, called,
"MY LONG SEARCH IS OVER" will have to wait till next time
Hope everyone is healthy and happy
Until then......
1 comment:
I know how you feel talking about getting back into the things you love. I have not found the time to paint or write in months and that is not me at all. I seem to find time for a million things, but none for myself. I wonder if this is something a lot of women face...I'm sure it is. Find time for yourself and the things you love...you deserve it no matter what. And I...I will practice what I preach lol :)
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