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Saturday, March 7, 2009

RANTS


I'm sure that my Blog AND I would be a lot more popular if I didn't just SPLASH ON about something that is really upsetting me...

I KNOW that it is not a positive move to RANT, and in reality, I mean, who really cares anyway?

Just shut the ---- up and get over it! (that's what I WISH that I could do...)

I think it's safe to say at this point in my life that it will NEVER happen...If you should see me that way, on a steady basis, then you should highly suspect that someone is drugging me beyond recognition..

RANT #1....Why is it that when it is time to "Spring Forward", I am always working the evening before, and have to get up BEFORE the crack of dawn the night after it SPRINGS, to work AGAIN? Basically meaning about 3 or 4 hours of sleep...

RANT # 2....I DO NOT LIKE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS, never have, never will...Who wants it to be light at 9pm? It's friggin night, and if I wanted it to be light at night, I would just move to Alaska, for God's sake! Remember that movie "INSOMNIA" with Al Pacino? I could barely watch it...You can't imagine what it is like, when once in awhile, I actually TRY to get enough sleep before getting up at 4:30 am, and finding that it is still DAYLIGHT...Forget it..

RANT #3....(Don't try to stop me...I'm on a roll, and can't get off for the moment, sorry...)
Why am I complaining about ANYTHING surrounding the word "WORK", since this is the first day that I have been allowed to "WORK" since LAST SATURDAY? I am just beside myself...I NEVER REALIZED THE IMPACT THAT MY WORK OR LACK OF IT WOULD HAVE ON ME...THIS IS WORSE THAN THE END OF A MARRIAGE...(OR AT LEAST AS BAD...IT TENDS TO HAVE QUITE THE IMPACT ON ONE'S SELF ESTEEM...GEEZ...I THOUGHT THAT I GOT OVER THAT IN MY TWENTIES/THIRTIES....WHAT'S THE DEAL?)

RANT #4...(Final Rant, most important one, and the one that is behind all of the previous Rants, and why I am so "Ranty" (new word, though completely understood..)

I have worked so hard, and therefore developed a reputation for my work, not to mention the many important accomplishments that have resulted from my work, over the last 27 years...NOTHING, AND I REPEAT NOTHING has ever upset me more than not being able to get good, steady, reliable, and well deserved work...Of course most would think that the biggest impact would be worry for monetary reasons, but in actuality it means so much more to me than that...

I have never in my life felt as punished as I do now, as I spend my final days at this current hospital, where I feel that I may be doing some of the most important work that I have ever done, with these precious children/babies...

I am SO loving my work with them, and as this final two weeks come to a close, my heart feels broken in so many places, that I cannot begin to describe it...Today was so bittersweet, as one of my patients was less than a year old, and so very, very sick...I spent the majority of my 12 hour shift with this baby, pulling out everything clinically that I have the knowledge and experience of, to clear this baby's lungs, so that he could breathe/sleep/eat/quit crying/anything...

By the end of my shift, the difference in the baby I saw at 7am this morning, and the baby I left at around 8 tonight, was astonishing...
This is work that I have felt so lucky to do in different situations/patient populations over the years, and now it is hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel...Why should it be so hard for me to get work? It just seems so wrong...
The worst part of it is that I have literally fallen in love with Pediatrics, and it is unlikely that I will be able to do it anymore, not only because of the job situation, but it is a hard field to break into...SO many therapist want to work with Pediatric patients, and so many already have immense experience doing so...

I practically pleaded with the manager (the young, gorgeous, rather heartless one, remember?), last week to find a way for me to stay..I told him that I was too good to be let go (and that is true, but I wish that I had skipped that.) Pleaded? Who am I kidding...Begged...Begged like a lowdown scraggly dog...

It was so humiliating to BEG..I have never done that..( Don't ever do it..it makes you feel as bad as you think you would...worse, actually)

Question for my followers...Have any of you ever begged? and about what? and how did you feel afterwards...Share with us...Is it just me? Am I the only one that has practically BEGGED for something, and then had a huge downfall after the experience? Is there anything lower? Pitiful...

Ashamed and disgusted with myself (an understatement..) I can also step out of myself and see the person that "begged" for her job, and I feel badly for that girl..

I HAVE NEVER BEGGED FOR ANYTHING...I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN...DOES A NUMBER ON THE OL SELF ESTEEM...really can't recommend it...you put yourself in a completely vulnerable spot, and then you don't get what you want anyway and you let yourself down..(the biggest humiliation of them all...)

I thought that I saw a hint of a grin in the manager's eyes/face...It either embarrassed him or that part of him that is missing the part of his soul, was very much enjoying it..I quickly retreated when I saw that..I realized quickly how sad it was...

They will not let me stay, because they say that they simply do not have positions..
Whether this is true, or whether my honesty in answering a question asked of me by the manager awhile back accounts for this situation, I will never know...
(NOTE TO SELF...DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS HONESTLY WHEN ASKED BY AN EMPLOYER..DO NOT EVER ASSUME THE EMPLOYER WANTS AN HONEST ANSWER..ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION, AS THEY SAY..ANSWER QUESTION TO MAKE MANAGER LOOK AND FEEL GOOD...NOTE TO SELF...YOU SHOULD FRIGGIN KNOW THIS BY NOW, AND ANYTHING NOT DONE IN THIS MANNER IS INEXCUSABLE AT THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE)

As I scoured the ads in my area yesterday, to apply for ANY WORK in ANY AREA on ANY SHIFT (as I have for months), I now just feel TIRED and HURT and DISCOURAGED and ANGRY...

There...time to try to go to sleep...Not many hours left before the alarm goes off..

Hope the 5 am call does not come..

I will probably get to work tomorrow because the Pediatric Area is suddenly very crowded with sick kids...

These are wonderful and productive days for me, that are quickly ending...
I must try to enjoy every minute of them while they last...
Will strive to try to see things differently tomorrow..

Maybe I will play the "everything happens for a reason" game..That works periodically, and usually good for at least an afternoon...It doesn't play as well at night though...Have you ever noticed that?

Besides, my son tells me that I am not the "Only One" out of work, and that I should not feel as I do..(get over it...)
"Mother, how do you think a professional and successful, but laid off Stockbroker felt when he had to attend that crowded job fare in Times Square the other day? Don't you think that he felt wounded?"

I felt a lot better after that encouraging "wake up call"...always so comforting...

Wow...maybe someday I'll mature to the level of my 17 year old...(don't hold your breath..)

Somehow it's easier to be "mature" about things when you haven't experienced them..
I've always noticed that...

I simply MUST get it together...A friend's lush wedding is coming soon..I already had to miss the wine tasting party..(was actually working..SHOCKER!)..Dinner recently suggested by a couple of friends in a group that I used to dine with on a monthly basis...Having fallen off as of late, they want to resume them...Then there is a small dinner party with old friends this week at their house..
I feel overwhelmed by it all, but I used to LOVE these outings, and usually would be the one who organized everything for them, where we go, who was invited, etc...Blah, blah, blah...I simply MUST get it together NOW...My friends have put up with me for awhile...How much longer would they want to?

Maybe the "charming, humorous personality" will return at some point..Not sure where it has gone..surely it will return at one point...

Thanks to my blogger friends, who actually read through this less than enchanting blog.

I promise you at least an informative, possibly funny,(don't get nuts, c'mon now..promise realistically..) and/or an interesting blog next time, which will be soon.

2 comments:

jlarson750 said...

Found your blog through food buzz, going to try the BBQ ribs recipe. Just wanted to say that I hope things look up for you job wise, my husband has been going though the same struggles, different industry though. Also, really appreciate everyone who works in pediatrics. My 8 month old had her left ureter completely reconstructed when she was 5 months old. Don't know what I would have done without all the great doctors and nurses...

Nicole said...

Thank you for your kind words....
I DO hope that your husband is able to find work in his field soon...
He is very lucky to have you to support him..
I also hope that your baby is doing well, and glad that you had good care when you were in the hospital, as that is the way it should always be..
I am glad that you found my blog, and hopefully you will read some things that are a bit more lighthearted!
Check some of the earlier posts...I think that there ARE some that are not quite as morose..
If not, I feel sure that there will be soon...
Actually even when I am writing about an entirely different subject, I tend to "Rant" it out a bit, as that is obviously just my personality at this point of my life...
Do hope that you enjoy the ribs...we certainly did..
Thanks again..