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Sunday, March 22, 2009

THRASHING MYSELF INTO OBLIVION..


WHAT HAPPENED...


I woke up to a phone call this morning, I looked over at my bedside alarm clock, and the time said 1:25..I could tell by the light outside that it was hardly 1:00 in the morning, plus I felt like I had been sleeping for awhile, so I KNEW that things were not right...

It was 7:30 am...I was suppose to be at work at 6:45 am...

By the time that I made it to the phone, the call was already a message which said, "Hi..did you know that you were supposed to be at work today? We have had many call-ins and really need you...Call me back as soon as you get this message..."

Of course I KNEW that I worked today...I actually got to work yesterday, and they said that they would probably need me today as well...I was thrilled, as the weekend pay is the highest...

My heart sank, as I realized that my clock had somehow malfunctioned, and GUILT began to settle in, and I remembered that I had not gotten to bed until 1 am last night, due to getting home late from work, and working on this blog, which had for some reason screwed up...
Couldn't go to bed with it screwed up...MUST FIX!

So I did...and sleep became my second priority...

(All the while, gearing up slowly but powerfully for a session of Self Thrashing
and Loathing, something practiced and perfected..All too familiar in my life...)

Maybe if I had gone to bed a couple of hours after I got home from work like "normal people" do, I would have heard the FIRST phone call, and gotten up even though the clock had malfunctioned.. The manager said that they rang at 5 am this morning, to reinforce the "YES, WE NEED YOU TODAY"...
I didn't hear it or if I did it didn't register...

Was I exhausted from my shift yesterday?...Yes...
Was it a difficult shift, working four of the FLOORS?
Always..What's new? I rarely have had to work them..It's a nightmare assignment..

EVERYTHING hurts after 12 hours on their floors..This hospital has floors like no other..It's gruesome for those half my age..

Back to the story...

I called back as quickly as possible, and the manager said, "It's okay, we found someone else to work..No problem, sorry that your clock malfunctioned...We thought that something was wrong...No Problem, just stay home, we have it covered..No..No..Don't come in...seriously, we have it covered..."

I only have two shifts left at this hospital, which I will most likely get cancelled from, as they are weekday shifts, when the staffing is more plentiful....

I needed that money...


MY PREDICTABLE THOUGHTS AND REACTION...



I COULD HAVE MADE ALMOST $500 DOLLARS TODAY AND NOW DUE TO MY STUPIDITY AND THAT FRIGGIN MALFUNCTIONING CLOCK, I HAVE LET IT SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS!

LOOOOOOSSSSSSEEEEEERRRRRRR!

HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN???????

I ALMOST FELT ILL...MY HEAD SANK IN DISAPPOINTMENT..IN BEWILDERMENT...IN OUTRAGE..

THE WORDS SPEWED FROM MY LIPS LIKE FIRE FROM A DRAGON..

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU COMPLETELY DAFT? YOU CAN'T AFFORD MISTAKES!!!

IDIOT...IMBECILE...DOOFUS...MORON...

DIMWIT...AIRHEAD...DUMB ASS...

BIMBO...BOZO..BUFFOON!!!!!!!!


(FIVE MINUTES PASSED WITH MY HEAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE I REMEMBERED THAT IT WAS ELECTRIC!)


YOU CAN'T EVEN DO AWAY WITH YOURSELF PROPERLY, YOU NINNIE!


OF COURSE, I JEST, BUT IT ALWAYS AMAZES ME HOW LITTLE SLACK THAT I ALLOW MYSELF,
YET IF IT WERE ANYONE ELSE, I WOULD REALIZE THAT THESE THINGS CAN AND DO HAPPEN
TO PEOPLE ON OCCASION...BUT NOOOOO....

I HAVE TO TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME, AND CONSIDER ALL OF MY FAULTS; HABITS, PRACTICES THAT MIGHT HAVE "LEAD" ME TO THIS EVENT...

WISH I COULD JUST SAY, "I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CLOCK? ODD..OH WELL..NOT THE
END OF THE WORLD...LA DE DA....LA DE DA..."

IN ANOTHER LIFETIME, PERHAPS...ANOTHER UNIVERSE...

I DID FIX THE BLOG, I THINK...

WOW...THAT'LL PAY MY BILLS, NOW WON'T IT?

EXCUSE ME, LET ME REMOVE THE NAILS FROM MY TEETH SO THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME...




AND IN THE END...


I WAS SO DISTRESSED THAT I WENT TO MY PIANO.
I PLAYED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MANY MONTHS...
HAVEN'T TOUCHED IT SINCE I LOST MY JOB...
WAS LOOKING FOR ANYTHING TO COMFORT ME...
THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, IT IS THE ONE THING THAT ALWAYS HAS

MY FATHER WOULD BE PLEASED
HE TOLD ME THAT HE COULD TELL THAT I WASN'T PLAYING
HE SAID THAT I WASN'T THE SAME

I GUESS I NEVER REALIZED THAT IT WAS EVIDENT IN MY PERSONALITY
IT WAS PROBABLY JUST AN OVERALL LACK OF JOY THAT HE DETECTED
NOT SURE HOW HE KNEW
MAYBE BECAUSE HE IS MY FATHER

I WONDERED WHY HE EVEN ASKED ME ABOUT IT
I KNEW THAT HE SENSED THAT I HAD TURNED AWAY FROM IT
STILL, HE OFTEN ASKED,"ARE YOU PLAYING YOUR PIANO?"

GUESS HE WANTED TO SEE IF I WOULD LIE TO HIM
I DID, BUT NOT WITHOUT A FAIRLY DECENT REASON
I DID NOT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HIM

THEN HE READ A BLOG ENTRY IN WHICH I STATED THAT I WAS NOT PLAYING
I KNEW THAT HE WOULD READ IT
THINK IT WAS MY WAY FOR HIM TO FIND OUT THAT I WAS LYING ABOUT IT


SO TODAY, I GUESS I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD STILL PLAY/SING
I WAS DISTRAUGHT
DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF
NEEDED TO ESCAPE

HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE WHEN I AM ON THE PIANO
A PLACE WHERE THE SELF LOATHING ENDS
AND THE FEELINGS OF GRATEFULNESS BEGIN

NOT SURE WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE WITHOUT IT

DID A DECENT VERSION OF JONI'S "RIVER".
ACTUALLY IT WAS BETTER THAN DECENT
AMAZING FOR NOT HAVING TOUCHED THE KEYS FOR SO LONG
WAS RELIEVED THAT MY FINGERS DIDN'T FAIL ME

SOME THINGS ARE NEVER FORGOTTEN

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, I REALIZED THAT I HAD BEEN GIVEN A GIFT..

FROM EARLY ON, I DISCOVERED THAT I COULD PLAY ANYTHING THAT I COULD HEAR

SOMETHING SPECIAL THAT ONLY I COULD DO..(AS FAR AS I KNEW AT THAT AGE..)

SOMETHING I LOVED SO MUCH...
AS WITH EVERYTHING THAT IS "LOVED SO MUCH"
THERE IS A QUIET BUT SUSTAINABLE FEAR FELT, BUT UNSPOKEN...

I WAS FEARFUL THAT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING COULD TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME
I REMEMBER WONDERING WHO OR WHAT COULD TAKE IT AWAY
I HAD RECENTLY SEEN A MOVIE THAT AT ONCE CAME TO MIND

IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT IF I BECAME BLIND LIKE HELEN KELLER, I COULD NO LONGER
PLAY..
THAT WAS THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO LOOK AT THE KEYS

TO THIS DAY, IF I LOOK AT THE KEYS, I CAN'T PLAY AS WELL
EVEN AT THAT YOUNG AGE, I FELT THE NEED FOR CONTROL OVER MY WORLD, MYSELF..


I WAS A SERIOUS LITTLE GIRL


I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND SOLACE AND RESPECT AT MY PIANO
IT LIGHTENS MY SPIRIT
IT HAS NEVER FAILED ME
NOT IN YEARS PAST
NOT TODAY

IT IS ALWAYS A PLACE THAT I CAN GO TO SEEK

MAGIC








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