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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Truth... Life...Timelessness




"To live is so startling, it leaves little time for anything else"
Well said, Miss Emily Dickenson
Well said..

The Truth is often Timeless...Endless....

Life is sometimes best lived without a lot of "occurrences"

People tend to get bored with this type of existence, though...

Upon reflection, this would not really be "Life"

It would be more of a dream, or only possible when one is asleep, or in a coma...

There has to be "occurrences," at times both tragic and joyful in nature...

Lately, news in my life has been shocking, tragic, and yet joyful
if one can find the light inside.

My oldest son is HIV positive now

My sister had cancer

This was all found out within a few days of each other...


My son and I will see each other and spend time together for the first time in over a year next month...
It is something that we both look forward to...

With all of the turbulence in our relationship..... the anger, the sorrow.... in the end, we love each
other more than we can say....
We miss each other...

Time is felt to be more limited now...

It is a "wake-up" call of the worst kind, but we will hopefully utilize it to come together again, to mend our relationship,
to not allow the past to ruin our "present" anymore...

My sister was successfully operated on and is CANCER FREE.
She still feels horrible...
Hormones rage and rule...

Pain is slowly leaving...

She is angry and hurt with me....
She often is...

I am so sad about this that I cry while I write about it....
I had a trip planned the day she had to have emergent surgery....

She said that it was okay, as I would call when I was there, making sure all was okay...
there were plenty of people there for her...

I would have come back if it had not been okay...

She does not believe this...
I went to San Francisco....
I called, several times, and she said that she was surrounded by people, and that I should enjoy myself....
This was true...

My Mother told me that I should go....
I did....

When I got back I was punished for going....
I am so grateful, and we all are, that my sister is joyfully clear of cancer.....

She, as usual, has found a way to be angry with me...

I am back to being the "black sheep" of my family....
I have played this role for many years...
I am unfortunately getting used to it....

I feel like my Father is the only one who does not dislike me....

I hate that, and that "might" not be true, but it feels like it most of the time....

What will I ever do without him?

I break down at the thought....

What will I ever do without my Mother?

I adore my Mother, but she and I are like oil and water lately...

I pretty much upset her most of the time, though we love each other very much...
I think that forever, including now, I am a bit "too much" for her...

She is older now and does not tolerate as much...

I am older now and stubbornly "myself", and find it difficult not to be,
even during a short visit or phone call...I often punish myself for not being able
to pull that off...afterall...I am an actress by nature...

If she were given the "truth serum" injection, she would say that I am her child and she loves me, but she would concur with my impression....
I cannot change who I am, and she cannot change who she is....
It is just the way that it flows....
My older son once told me in a rage, that I only loved the little boy that he once was...
As much as that hurt, I had to reflect on it and admit, that he WAS so much easier to
love then...and, in truth, his most precious and precocious times were in those early years...
Long before things got SO MUCH harder...hurtful....
I'm sure that my own Mother feels much the same...

My sister...well...

I would love for that to be like other "sisterly" relationships that I have heard about, you
know the kind, "My sister and I are BEST FRIENDS!!!"..barf....
Kinda like those people that put "My daughter is on the Student Council!!!!" or
"My son is an HONOR ROLL student!!!!"stickers on their cars....
Give me a friggin break....
How bout putting a sticker next to it that says
"I'm their Parent and a Braggart as well!"
Don't you people realize that you make the rest of us feel inadequate?
Do you think that we NEED more help with that?
"Imbeciles!"....
(God, how I love that word...not "in vogue" anymore, but so descriptive and satisfying!)
I don't give up entirely on my sister's and my relationship turning out like the kind in the
movies, but I try to be realistic about the chances of that happening...

Sometimes the best one can do is to accept what is, and try like hell to forget about
"fairytale expectations"...

I am constantly trying to "grow up" and adhere to that truth...
So there you have it...

The tragic and the joyful...

The past and the present...

The reality and the hope....

They say that Life passes by so swiftly...
So much happens in such a relatively short amount of time...

So often I feel like there is so little time for what really matters...

With the kind of work that I am involved in, that truth is reinforced every day..

"To live is so startling, it leaves little time for anything else"
The Truth...
Timeless....Endless....



















2 comments:

Dr Jenn said...

You said so much there. I can't fix your problems but I can tell you as a parent of young kids, some days I don't like my kids but I always love them. Sounds like you feel the same about yous. ;)

Nikki the Foodie of Lobster Gram said...

I have read this post once or twice before and wanted to leave you a comment each time.
But nothing I could type seemed sufficient.
I can't imaging exactly what you are going through at the moment, but I have had my own experience with feuding family members,sickness, the relentless marching of time onward through the darkness. I can empathize with your situations.
I hope things start to calm down for you soon.
Also, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings so frankly. It's refreshing to read some honesty.