I suppose that's overdoing it a bit...It seems to be my chosen haven for when everything is great and when everything is not so great. Yes, here I am several months later, so terribly sporadic concerning my entries, and I do apologize for that. I will say, though, in my defense,that I just woke up last week for the first time in 7 months.
I had NO IDEA until I was forced to resign from my full time night shift job a little over a week ago, that I had been living and walking around in a "zombie state" (somewhat reminiscent of those I encountered in the Salem zombie walk awhile back...hopefully, those that have been avid readers of this blog do recall one of my finer moments around a year ago....)
It was not until about a week after from the day that I was asked to resign from my position, (experiencing large doses of anger, shock, resistance, horror, outrage, and sadness), while trying to initially recover for a few days in Boston, that I realized one afternoon that I had this very foreign, yet positive feeling coming from inside of me...It was something I could not initially put my finger on...
In no time at all, I realized, that in fact, it was that I was AWAKE!
For those of you that have smoked, and then quit, it was exactly what one goes through soon after you quit smoking...Suddenly you feel so much better...Why, you didn't even know that you felt badly! What a surprise...Well, that's how being awake felt...So nice for a change...
My struggles with this job were made possible by not only experiencing a completely new hospital/staff/and work that I didn't normally do (intensive care for brain injuries), but I could have survived that and eventually thrived. I knew that, and I suppose that is what hurt a great deal...The anger and outrage portion was brought on by the fact that my newly promoted manager, who had never managed before, and didn't care for me before the promotion, spent the last 8 weeks of my job, "mentoring" me in the ICU policies and procedures. It's interesting that you get to a point in life where you tell yourself that people aren't really evil, as surely there is just a communication breakdown that can be remedied...
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!
I won't go on and on and belabor this point, let's just say that what we had on hand was a little "Hitler" that had been physically abused by his Daddy as a boy, and also didn't particularly like women that spoke up for themselves when being tortured and emotionally abused....(uh...that would be me...)
So, that would be it, in a nutshell, as they say...It didn't take a few days in Boston for me to realize that this was seriously for the best, as I was beginning to wear down quickly as the last few weeks went by...
It was WONDERFUL for me to spend a few days in Boston again...Helped me put things into some perspective...I needed to get away from home, from the constant calls (especially those "well meaning" friends? from work, who I'm sure wanted all the gory details...I did not answer the phone...No one there got the "gory details"...)
So....Now here I am...A second time in the last 12 months without a job...A girl who has kept a full time steady job for 29 years and does not get used to being unemployed...Why I can't even apply for "unemployment" because I "resigned" (which I had to do because of my License or I would not work again in Texas...)....
I know that I will find something or maybe a couple of things at some point...As much as I thought that I enjoyed working nights, I had no idea how much better I felt when I came off of them...Definitely a love/hate relationship with night shift work...Money is so much better...Don't have to deal with the problem of not being able to get to your patient due to a multitude of others around you (physicians, OT, PT, etc)....Quiet on nights, I like that....Like being awake also....Don't like not being able to wake up on my days off....I have done NOTHING but either work or sleep for the last 7 months...Even when I went out for town, which I did often, I could hardly stay awake...My God, I have almost seen nothing that is up for the Academy Awards this year! That in itself tells the story, as I am a film freak....(Did see "An Education" while in Boston, and "A Single Man" last night....both marvelous....)
You can imagine the state that I was in while in Boston....Trying to get away to my favorite place and "chill" after what has been probably the worst 7 months of my life...(and that includes my last marriage...yeah...THAT'S how bad it was...)
Here I am, gleefully happy, as I have just stepped out of "THE TRIDENT BOOKSTORE", one of my favorite places in Boston....I have spent a couple of hours inside, roving through the most interesting books, books that one cannot find at Barnes and Noble, etc. There are also very interesting and happy people inside, some browsing as I was, some meeting socially for a meal and/or a snack at the Trident restaurant that serves decadent looking desserts, smoothies, soups, etc. It is a PERFECT January day (for a Texas girl anyway)...Earlier that morning I am walking, eating, and mostly window shopping in my beloved Beacon Hill on the cobblestone streets, with the gas lamps glowing, when all of the sudden, the beautiful and graceful flakes of snow begin to fall....I am inside having lunch at this very quaint little shop, and as I look out on the snow coming down, every so gracefully, I have to take a deep breath, as I am overcome with happiness (a feeling somewhat foreign to me at this time...)
Walking in the falling snow up and down those streets is like a perfect dream...Only problem is, eventually your hair is so wet, you have to duck inside somewhere....This brings me back to walking out of the Trident Bookstore. I've had probably the best day I've experienced for too long to remember...All of my favorite things in one day....As I walk out to stand under the awning to wait for my ride, I immediately see a little woman, humped over, on the phone, and she eyes me up an down quickly, and tells her caller that she must go, and that she will call her later...This little bent over, dark stringy haired, crooked nosed woman, is a shoo-in for the part of Hansel and Gretal's witch....I'm looking away, because I SO don't want to be bothered, but NO, not gonna happen....She comes towards me, extends her hand, and introduces herself. As she is still looking "around me up and down", she exclaims that "I MUST do a reading for you".....I decline and tell her that I'm sure that there are many others that would appreciate a "reading", but she tells me, "NO! I will NOT do readings on just anyone...My Grandmother, my Mother, we all have the "gift" and we do not abuse it! You don't understand, you NEED a reading, and I MUST do one on you"...I SO wanted just to give this woman money and say bye bye, but instead I told her that I didn't want a reading, as they tended to scare me, and I did not feel like being scared today.....She succumbed to my wishes, and we shook hands and she told me "God Bless You", and I said, "God Bless You Too", and sighed that it was over...She walked a few steps to the Trident door, opened it up, and then turned her twisted little body around, and spoke in an ominous tone as she warned.....
"BEWARE...THERE ARE THOSE THAT WANT TO INVADE YOUR LIFE...THERE IS TERRIBLE JEALOUSY.....EVIL MEN WILL COME.....BEWARE...." Immediately I told her, "I know, I've already met a few..Gotcha though...."
I bring this little incident up, because I think that it is important to note, THAT IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING, ISN'T IT? I'm certain that someone else would've come out of the bookstore, happy as a little clam, and been left the hell alone...Not me...NEVER ME! It's as though I have a sign on my head that says...."HEY...FEELING A LITTLE TOO HAPPY/SECURE...COME BUG ME..."
Never a dull moment...Story of my life...
Later...
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